“Acceptance makes an incredible fertile soil for the seeds of change.”-Steve Maraboli
It has been a long time since I have felt inspired to write. I began this blog over one year ago, before I was diagnosed with MS, and I lost a piece of myself. I wanted to share my journey of traveling, good food, and just fun but I did what I do best. Denial. Spiral. Repetitive cycle. Although I could feel what was happening to me, I could not process the pain and reality of it. I did not want to admit that another piece of myself was losing control – mentally and physically. The hard reality is that this time, I could do something to help, but not admitting to myself that there was something wrong has been easier than facing it and taking positive control over my situation. I am here to do that now. I am inspired. I am ready.
Working a “9-5” job is not like what it used to be. It’s more like a “24 hour” job…working long hours but still missing deadlines, still unhappy clients, still miserable environment. Part of the challenge of true self-care is finding the balance. Balance of working, of personal time, eating, and working on what affects your well-being. Believe me, I am living proof that it takes a long time to find balance in all of this but when you do and you experience the happiness and peacefulness that comes from it – the part of you that continues to sacrifice this happiness will slowly melt away. You’ll be left with the version of you that will serve YOU.
I am in the process of finding that “you” in ME. And then living without the feeling of guilt and shame of putting my health and happiness before giving myself out to others. It has been 10 months since my diagnosis but it has only been over the last couple of weeks that I have really started to accept that I am doing so much harm to myself living in denial. When I talk about denial, I mean with every aspect of my life. Work, grad school, personal. I have had more “ah-ha” moments than I have ever had but they have been fleeting just as fast as they appear. This time, I am ready to hang on to those moments – collect them in a way – and build on them like masonry. I am my own mason laying a strong foundation so that I can continue to have solid future of health and honest happiness.
This journey has been far from perfect and with some help from magnificent people in my life, I am learning to understand that it is really okay. I am going to continue to stumble as I ‘undo’ years of habitual and rehearsed negative patterns of self-loathing and lack of self worth. I have had to ask myself, what is so different this time? The feeling of being cared for unconditionally. The repetitive reminders that I am worth taking care of, even though I struggle with such beliefs. The desire to want to continue to give back and the reality that I may not be able to if I can’t heal myself. The fatigue that I feel not only from the disease but from this second, exhaustive persona of showing that I am happy when I am crying on the inside. I want to feel as excited and energetic as I portray – but for me. Not for everyone else, that should be a byproduct. Everything is starting to stick…like cement.
I. Am. Ready. Will you join me on this journey?
In love and honest happiness